You know those songs that just stick with you and won’t get out of your head and eventually you grow to have a very complex relationship with them that is not quite love, not quite hate but very frustrating. You know what I’m talking about.
1. Dream Weaver by Gary Wright
Jonathan Fields mentioned this song on twitter the other day and I was like nooooo, that’s so unfair because I’d JUST gotten this song out of my head after it appeared in a very odd dream I had. I would tell you about the dream but then I’d be that person that bores everyone by telling them their dreams and having to explain who everyone was and what I thought it meant and nobody likes that person. Oh sure, they pretend to but that’s just so they can tell them their own dreams. In any case, the meaning of this dream was “you go on with your bad self” which is what all dreams mean when you get right down to it.
I should like this song more because it was some sort of inside joke between my husband and I when we first started seeing each other but now I can’t remember what the joke was and it makes me feel old. [click to continue…]
I don’t know if I was supposed to review all the candy in the 70’s Decade Box I was so kindly given by my friends, but I can’t help but think that part of their thinking process was “Tracy has too much time to think, let’s give her something to do!” The problem is, the box had so much stuff in it, I was having a really hard time deciding what to eat next, so I went with the time honored practice of randomly IMing somebody to ask. [click to continue…]
I confess, I don’t know what the difference is between being a strong person and just continuing to go on because you have no choice. There have been ugly moments that shame me over the past few weeks when people have so kindly told me I was handling things well and I wanted to ask “What choice do I have? Can I choose not to feed the children? To wash the clothes and sweep the floor? Can I walk around crying all the time or refuse to get out of bed?”
Of course, I could very well just simply refuse to go on, but I do. There are so very many good reasons why and I could list them for you like I could recite the laws of motion, but the truth is these days I don’t feel big, noble emotions, instead I follow a routine and do what I’ve always done. Perhaps that’s why I balk at being told I am handling things well, because I feel like I’ve handed everything over to a machine while I wait to see what happens next. At night, I walk through the house, straightening out the mess of the day and preparing things for the one to come and it feels like I’m not enough of a presence to even make a wave in the oppressive stillness.
If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s this, you live in the moment and the days, the weeks, the years take care of themselves. And that is how I go on, letting my defenses take over and what I am doing in the moment, is all there is. I play with the children, I keep up the house, I talk to people, then like a bolt, I am ripped in two, and one half goes on and the other is watching and wondering how it could seem so normal on the surface, when clearly things are not right, not right at all.
This grief and anguish have lessons to teach me, but I’m not ready to learn them, not yet. When given the opportunity, my thoughts come so fast and jumbled that I’m not able to make sense of what my memories want me to hold on to and where my heart wants me to go. I’ve felt frantic trying to figure out what the purpose and meaning of this is and what I should do next, but the harder I try to grasp it, the less sense it makes. It is only when I relax and am content with letting every thought and emotion flow through without making demands that I feel any relief.
And this is how I go on; I don’t know if it means I am staying strong or handling things well, it’s just the way I’m keeping it all together. I’m not happy, I’m not okay, I’m tired and numb but I feel like there is a protective cocoon around me that will keep me safe until it’s time to fly again.
My Go Group got together and surprised me with this 70’s Decade Box to cheer me up, aren’t they amazing? It’s going to take me weeks to get through this all; it’s a ton of treats.
Contents of 1970s Decade Box
It was super hard to get a picture of the contents because my boys were in the room and every shot had a blurry little hand reaching in. Every day since it arrived they ask, Mom, can we have some candy from the 70s? They even told their teachers all about it, which is a tiny bit unfortunate because… [click to continue…]
But I feel lousy (detailed accounting of all the ways I feel lousy upon request, even though I was saving it for an ebook)
My other bottle is empty.
We could discuss when they started marketing drugs like candy or just how much that bisque/bone color they used for the safety wrapper reminds one of very old women in the Miss Havisham mold, or if the green Nyquil works better than the cherry red one or why they market Nyquil in capsules when they are useless disappointments but what I really want to know is:
Do I really want to open this? I mean because it could be worth money some day. Everyone told me that the big money is in pharmaceuticals and I’d hate to be browsing through some drug con some day and see a new, safety sealed bottle of this going for $125 and kicking myself for never delaying gratification.
Your thoughts, please.
PS if anyone is in Canada and can get me one that says “new flavour” on the seal, I will reimburse you for cost, shipping and your time. Unless it’s ketchup flavoured, you can keep that.
I was so kindly given by my friends, but I can’t help but think that part of their thinking process was “Tracy has too much time to think, let’s give her something to do!” The problem is, the box had so much stuff in it, I was having a really hard time deciding what to eat next, so I went with the time honored practice of randomly IMing somebody to ask. 
