15 Options Facebook Needs To Offer

Or, They should be paying me for this valuable advice but they are not, the cheap bastids

 

Go ahead, like my page, you know you want to

Okay, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re not going to talk about a dislike option today. Everyone always says “oooh we need a dislike button” so not only are people well aware that this is something many people are looking for, I, for one, am not sure we really need a dislike button if we adopt my suggestions which provide ample options without resorting to the simplistic yes/no dichotomy that like/dislike offers.

My suggestions provide for a much more nuanced, rich social networking experience, allowing users to express complex thoughts and feelings with a simple click of the mouse.

 

1. I concur

For when you agree with what is said and wish to sound like the distinguished gentle(wo)man from South Carolina.

2. True, that

When you wish to acknowledge the veracity of what was said but pride yourself on never resorting to slang or netspeak and your slavish devotion to prescriptivist grammar.

3. Love

For when you wish to agree in what you imagine is a breezy, cosmopolitan manner.

4. IDWYBWSAIWBAYBYB

For when you disagree with what was said and would get into a debate about it only you are going to be the bigger person by yakking about it behind their back.

5. Pity like

When nobody else has liked it and you feel sorry for the poster but not sorry enough to make an actual comment.

6. Hello, I exist!

When you like status after status to remind your friend that you exist and they should acknowledge that by commenting or liking your junk. Hello! Don’t act like you can’t see me because you know you can!

7. You owe me one

Even though I didn’t read whatever inane thing you just linked from your blog, I did press this button so now you have to pretend to read mine. Social proof: it works!

8. I should probably pretend to care about your kids

For when you friends post yet another 150 photo album of their darlings. Note 1: this should come with an option to randomly comment “They are getting so big!” on one picture in the album so it looks like you clicked through. Note 2: This has to come with an algorithm to insure it’s not applied to a picture of the friend’s bazoongas.

9. Sad-ish

This post made you a bit sad but you will be strong and commence with going about your every day business and talking about eating a cupcake in 3..2…

10. Drool!

For when friends post about some sort of fattening ooey gooey food and if there is one thing the Food Network has taught you is that you must loudly express my approval of same. IMPORTANT: Facebook can’t be held responsible for any face slaps if you click this in response to a friend talking about how engorged her breasts are now that she’s breastfeeding. For food use only! Adult food!

11. Quote

When you want to encourage people to continue posting quotes so that they don’t bother writing their own inane drivel.

12. Participant

For when you want to seem involved but don’t want to put forth any effort.

13. Good for you!

For when you are happy that somebody is enjoying their day but it seems kind of dorkwad-eqsue to post “I’m so happy you’re sitting on your butt in your back yard!!!!”

14. Sad Trombone

For those occasions when your friends are having a Charlie Brown style day.  I know he had rainclouds and not sad trombone, but I think it’s about time Facebook added sound effects.

15. Invisible Snarking

To allow you to make comments that are quite rude and uncalled for on the post where only a designated group of friends, minus the original poster, can see it. Of course, you will probably eventually screw up and include the wrong group of friends on the snark – there’s an easy way to avoid that but I’m not going to tell you, you backstabbing bitch.

These are just the first 15 I can think of; what options would you like Facebook to give to you to enhance your experience?

And while you’re thinking of that, I’d like to invite you to join Dang Y’all, my Facebook group for the swapping of grody and astonishing links.

 


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