Or, I have changed my mind for the 900th time about what it is I really want to do
photo credit: Stitch
Since family tragedies are, among other things, very expensive and I can’t spend the mortgage money to buy that new camera I’ve been wanting and I’ve been saying I’m going to start doing something productive with my time for the last three years, I am pleased to announce that I’ve started writing for other people in exchange for money. Which is cool and all but through random conversations with online friends I’ve realized that professional writing is not really what I want to do. It’s a pretty sweet gig in that it doesn’t involve a paper hat or finger condoms, but people can be so picky about trifling details like grammar and spelling and staying on topic and articles being in the form of words arranged in paragraphs and not a collage embellished with glitter and faux fur.
It’s a lot of pressure.
Then, the other day, my friend JD from I Do Things was talking about donuts on Facebook which got me to thinking about donuts and how much I like to go to the donut shop and it hits me, a really super awesome job for me would be to work at a donut shop. I don’t want to own a donut shop, mind you, I’m imagining it’s a pretty low margin business and you get a lot of huge orders from Churches and such and people expect free donations all the time for their blood drives and whatnot and while I certainly wouldn’t mind making a few when the mood hits me, I am not really about the physical labor of actually making more than 3 donuts at a time nor do I want to work the cash register because they don’t have the high tech ones like at McDonald’s and I don’t do retro like some dang hipster.
(okay that sentence went on for too long and I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it, that’s the kind of thing clients crucify you for in the writing business which is one of the reasons I’m trying to get out. I mean, if they wanted some sort of robot, why not hire a robot? I’m a person, it gets messy with me, that’s part of my beauty.)
What I really want to do is be the person that asks what kind of donut(s) or bear claws or fritters the customers want and give them to them. Well, ideally I’d have some sort of miniature assistant who I could relay the orders to so I wouldn’t have to bend down so much – I am very tall and have a delicate spine – but like I said, low margin business and I am Asian and a hard worker so I’ll make do. The reason I want to do this is so I can figure out a unified theory of donut personalities and use that to write a best selling self help book based on your donut personality and what sort of work would best suit one and ideal romance/friendship combinations, that sort of thing. Oh, and a diet plan, like working with your donut personality to design an eating program that will work for life because you’re working with your natural inclinations, not against them. For example, people who like jelly donuts should eat a lot of fruit as most filled donuts have some sort of fruit in them.
And by write the book, I mean pay somebody like me to write it for me because I’ve discovered people totally do that. I could just drop off my pile of collages and furious scribbling and glitter art and voila! They turn it into a book for me and I get to go on a whirlwind book tour and I don’t have to take my kids!
So that is what I’ll be busy trying to put together in the coming weeks. If you know somebody who has a donut shop and is looking for help or wants a keyword-rich multi-media collage optimized for SEO, feel free to give them my contact details.
