Continuing to go on

by Tracy

I confess, I don’t know what the difference is between being a strong person and just continuing to go on because you have no choice. There have been ugly moments that shame me over the past few weeks when people have so kindly told me I was handling things well and I wanted to ask “What choice do I have? Can I choose not to feed the children? To wash the clothes and sweep the floor? Can I walk around crying all the time or refuse to get out of bed?”

Of course, I could very well just simply refuse to go on, but I do. There are so very many good reasons why and I could list them for you like I could recite the laws of motion, but the truth is these days I don’t feel big, noble emotions, instead I follow a routine and do what I’ve always done. Perhaps that’s why I balk at being told I am handling things well, because I feel like I’ve handed everything over to a machine while I wait to see what happens next. At night, I walk through the house, straightening out the mess of the day and preparing things for the one to come and it feels like I’m not enough of a presence to even make a wave in the oppressive stillness.

If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s this, you live in the moment and the days, the weeks, the years take care of themselves. And that is how I go on, letting my defenses take over and what I am doing in the moment, is all there is. I play with the children, I keep up the house, I talk to people, then like a bolt, I am ripped in two, and one half goes on and the other is watching and wondering how it could seem so normal on the surface, when clearly things are not right, not right at all.

This grief and anguish have lessons to teach me, but I’m not ready to learn them, not yet. When given the opportunity, my thoughts come so fast and jumbled that I’m not able to make sense of what my memories want me to hold on to and where my heart wants me to go. I’ve felt frantic trying to figure out what the purpose and meaning of this is and what I should do next, but the harder I try to grasp it, the less sense it makes. It is only when I relax and am content with letting every thought and emotion flow through without making demands that I feel any relief.

And this is how I go on; I don’t know if it means I am staying strong or handling things well, it’s just the way I’m keeping it all together. I’m not happy, I’m not okay, I’m tired and numb but I feel like there is a protective cocoon around me that will keep me safe until it’s time to fly again.

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  • http://darksideofthefridge.wordpress.com/ ToyLady

    Tracy, yes.

    You do what you have to do – go through the motions – to get through the day. Then you do the same tomorrow, and the day after.

    One day, you wake up and realize that the sun is shining, and that giant, cold rock in the middle of your chest might – just maybe – might be a tiny bit smaller, and you can almost feel *something*, and although it’s still there, you go on.

    It’s hard, and it never completely goes away, but it will, with time, become less impossible.

  • http://darksideofthefridge.wordpress.com/ ToyLady

    Tracy, yes.

    You do what you have to do – go through the motions – to get through the day. Then you do the same tomorrow, and the day after.

    One day, you wake up and realize that the sun is shining, and that giant, cold rock in the middle of your chest might – just maybe – might be a tiny bit smaller, and you can almost feel *something*, and although it’s still there, you go on.

    It’s hard, and it never completely goes away, but it will, with time, become less impossible.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you, I know I’ll feel better but some moments are harder than others.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you, I know I’ll feel better but some moments are harder than others.

  • http://darksideofthefridge.wordpress.com ToyLady

    Tracy, yes.

    You do what you have to do – go through the motions – to get through the day. Then you do the same tomorrow, and the day after.

    One day, you wake up and realize that the sun is shining, and that giant, cold rock in the middle of your chest might – just maybe – might be a tiny bit smaller, and you can almost feel *something*, and although it’s still there, you go on.

    It’s hard, and it never completely goes away, but it will, with time, become less impossible.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thank you, I know I’ll feel better but some moments are harder than others.

  • http://www.kimwoodbridge.com/ Kim Woodbridge

    The routines and the things that we normally do are what keep us going. I remember during one of my darkest moments that I told my Mom that I couldn’t do it and she told me that I had no choice. And so we keep on the best that we can.

    Just know that you have been in my thoughts :-)
    .-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..Thoughts on My Brother Turning 40 and Mullets =-.

  • http://www.kimwoodbridge.com/ Kim Woodbridge

    The routines and the things that we normally do are what keep us going. I remember during one of my darkest moments that I told my Mom that I couldn’t do it and she told me that I had no choice. And so we keep on the best that we can.

    Just know that you have been in my thoughts :-)
    .-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..Thoughts on My Brother Turning 40 and Mullets =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you Kim. It’s amazing how almost always the best we can is good enough.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you Kim. It’s amazing how almost always the best we can is good enough.

  • http://www.kimwoodbridge.com Kim Woodbridge

    The routines and the things that we normally do are what keep us going. I remember during one of my darkest moments that I told my Mom that I couldn’t do it and she told me that I had no choice. And so we keep on the best that we can.

    Just know that you have been in my thoughts :-)
    .-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..Thoughts on My Brother Turning 40 and Mullets =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thank you Kim. It’s amazing how almost always the best we can is good enough.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T. (@kt_writes)

    Tracy, the fact that you can write about these feelings with so much raw honesty is a gift to all of us. I hope writing it was in some way a gift to you, too.

    Embrace this:

    “It is only when I relax and am content with letting every thought and emotion flow through without making demands that I feel any relief.”

    And know that there are many of us out here who care a lot about you—for exactly who you are and where you are right now.
    .-= Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Beating my arrows on the ground =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Hi Kristin. It was cathartic to be able to write it down. I don’t think I’m faking or hiding necessarily when I am acting much as usual, but it is a relief to be able to show other sides of what I’m feeling, too.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Hi Kristin. It was cathartic to be able to write it down. I don’t think I’m faking or hiding necessarily when I am acting much as usual, but it is a relief to be able to show other sides of what I’m feeling, too.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T. (@kt_writes)

    Tracy, the fact that you can write about these feelings with so much raw honesty is a gift to all of us. I hope writing it was in some way a gift to you, too.

    Embrace this:

    “It is only when I relax and am content with letting every thought and emotion flow through without making demands that I feel any relief.”

    And know that there are many of us out here who care a lot about you—for exactly who you are and where you are right now.
    .-= Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Beating my arrows on the ground =-.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T. (@kt_writes)

    Tracy, the fact that you can write about these feelings with so much raw honesty is a gift to all of us. I hope writing it was in some way a gift to you, too.

    Embrace this:

    “It is only when I relax and am content with letting every thought and emotion flow through without making demands that I feel any relief.”

    And know that there are many of us out here who care a lot about you—for exactly who you are and where you are right now.
    .-= Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Beating my arrows on the ground =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Hi Kristin. It was cathartic to be able to write it down. I don’t think I’m faking or hiding necessarily when I am acting much as usual, but it is a relief to be able to show other sides of what I’m feeling, too.

  • http://hillsmithfamily.com/ RC – Rambling Along

    I haven’t been around as much in the blog world, so I just read about your loss. My condolences. And yes, I know how difficult it is to just go on, but to go through the motions anyway. Again, all my sympathies…
    .-= RC – Rambling Along´s last blog ..In the corner =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you RC, it’s good to hear from you & means a lot that you took the time to comment.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you RC, it’s good to hear from you & means a lot that you took the time to comment.

  • http://hillsmithfamily.com/ RC – Rambling Along

    I haven’t been around as much in the blog world, so I just read about your loss. My condolences. And yes, I know how difficult it is to just go on, but to go through the motions anyway. Again, all my sympathies…
    .-= RC – Rambling Along´s last blog ..In the corner =-.

  • http://hillsmithfamily.com RC – Rambling Along

    I haven’t been around as much in the blog world, so I just read about your loss. My condolences. And yes, I know how difficult it is to just go on, but to go through the motions anyway. Again, all my sympathies…
    .-= RC – Rambling Along´s last blog ..In the corner =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thank you RC, it’s good to hear from you & means a lot that you took the time to comment.

  • http://perfectinhim.blogspot.com/ Carrie

    Thinking of you, Tracy.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you, I hope all is well with you.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you, I hope all is well with you.

  • http://perfectinhim.blogspot.com/ Carrie

    Thinking of you, Tracy.

  • http://perfectinhim.blogspot.com Carrie

    Thinking of you, Tracy.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thank you, I hope all is well with you.

  • vered

    You are doing your best and you are doing exceptionally well so yes, you are strong. I’ll be thinking about you.
    .-= vered ´s last blog ..Torn About Fat Acceptance =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you so much Vered.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thank you so much Vered.

  • vered

    You are doing your best and you are doing exceptionally well so yes, you are strong. I’ll be thinking about you.
    .-= vered ´s last blog ..Torn About Fat Acceptance =-.

  • vered

    You are doing your best and you are doing exceptionally well so yes, you are strong. I’ll be thinking about you.
    .-= vered ´s last blog ..Torn About Fat Acceptance =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thank you so much Vered.

  • http://cajoh.blogspot.com/ Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

    There are basically two kinds of strengths: Power, and Durability. Most people think that you have to be powerful to be strong, but it is the ability to adapt and carry on that is that overlooked strength that people like yourself posses.

    So often people think that strength means stability. I say that it is flexibility. Those who are stable can break easily, while those who are flexible will bend and not break.

    Yes, whatever you are going though is putting a great strain on you, but you need to know that you are flexible and will not break.

    Just know that there are people you can turn to to lean on so that you are not bent so far out of shape that you can’t straiten up.
    .-= Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..Focus Me… Please =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thanks Christopher, I really like the image of thinking of oneself as flexible.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thanks Christopher, I really like the image of thinking of oneself as flexible.

  • http://cajoh.blogspot.com/ Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

    There are basically two kinds of strengths: Power, and Durability. Most people think that you have to be powerful to be strong, but it is the ability to adapt and carry on that is that overlooked strength that people like yourself posses.

    So often people think that strength means stability. I say that it is flexibility. Those who are stable can break easily, while those who are flexible will bend and not break.

    Yes, whatever you are going though is putting a great strain on you, but you need to know that you are flexible and will not break.

    Just know that there are people you can turn to to lean on so that you are not bent so far out of shape that you can’t straiten up.
    .-= Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..Focus Me… Please =-.

  • http://cajoh.blogspot.com Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

    There are basically two kinds of strengths: Power, and Durability. Most people think that you have to be powerful to be strong, but it is the ability to adapt and carry on that is that overlooked strength that people like yourself posses.

    So often people think that strength means stability. I say that it is flexibility. Those who are stable can break easily, while those who are flexible will bend and not break.

    Yes, whatever you are going though is putting a great strain on you, but you need to know that you are flexible and will not break.

    Just know that there are people you can turn to to lean on so that you are not bent so far out of shape that you can’t straiten up.
    .-= Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..Focus Me… Please =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thanks Christopher, I really like the image of thinking of oneself as flexible.

  • http://www.patriciaswisdom.com/ Patricia

    Children are all about keeping us going one step at a time…it is the circle of life. Mourning is extremely hard work and people just don’t want it to be….you will always feel the loss but the ways will change – you are lucky that you are feeling everything and not shutting down…
    It comes and goes and plays around with us…we just take one step at a time…and we model for our children what they will need to know….one step at a time…we teach them to feel and understand.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers….
    .-= Patricia´s last blog ..Book Review: THE HELP ~Kathryn Stockett =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Patricia, the children really do keep me focused and going. I hope that one day they will be able to look back at this and be glad that I tried my best to keep us all going.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Patricia, the children really do keep me focused and going. I hope that one day they will be able to look back at this and be glad that I tried my best to keep us all going.

  • http://www.patriciaswisdom.com/ Patricia

    Children are all about keeping us going one step at a time…it is the circle of life. Mourning is extremely hard work and people just don’t want it to be….you will always feel the loss but the ways will change – you are lucky that you are feeling everything and not shutting down…
    It comes and goes and plays around with us…we just take one step at a time…and we model for our children what they will need to know….one step at a time…we teach them to feel and understand.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers….
    .-= Patricia´s last blog ..Book Review: THE HELP ~Kathryn Stockett =-.

  • http://www.patriciaswisdom.com Patricia

    Children are all about keeping us going one step at a time…it is the circle of life. Mourning is extremely hard work and people just don’t want it to be….you will always feel the loss but the ways will change – you are lucky that you are feeling everything and not shutting down…
    It comes and goes and plays around with us…we just take one step at a time…and we model for our children what they will need to know….one step at a time…we teach them to feel and understand.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers….
    .-= Patricia´s last blog ..Book Review: THE HELP ~Kathryn Stockett =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Patricia, the children really do keep me focused and going. I hope that one day they will be able to look back at this and be glad that I tried my best to keep us all going.

  • http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/ Alisa Bowman

    Oh hang in their hon. There’s no point in figuring out the point. I think that comes much later, after a trying time has long ended. For the now, you are doing the best you can–and that has to be good enough. I wish I could fix it for you! Or at least hug you in real life.
    .-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thanks Alisa, I’d gladly take a hug. You are right, it seems like it would help to know why, but really, is there any answer that would make it all go away?

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com/ Tracy

      Thanks Alisa, I’d gladly take a hug. You are right, it seems like it would help to know why, but really, is there any answer that would make it all go away?

  • http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/ Alisa Bowman

    Oh hang in their hon. There’s no point in figuring out the point. I think that comes much later, after a trying time has long ended. For the now, you are doing the best you can–and that has to be good enough. I wish I could fix it for you! Or at least hug you in real life.
    .-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.

  • http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com Alisa Bowman

    Oh hang in their hon. There’s no point in figuring out the point. I think that comes much later, after a trying time has long ended. For the now, you are doing the best you can–and that has to be good enough. I wish I could fix it for you! Or at least hug you in real life.
    .-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.

    • http://ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

      Thanks Alisa, I’d gladly take a hug. You are right, it seems like it would help to know why, but really, is there any answer that would make it all go away?

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