Or, really there isn’t a right place to begin writing again, is there?
I’ve been doing fine, I suppose. There have been urges to do something BIG! and LIFE! AFFIRMING! but it seems in the movies that always involves heights, and I’m scared of those so instead I decided to go with doing the small and life sustaining things like take the kids to school and grocery stop.
So today I’m doing just that and on the way home the kids all fall asleep in the back of the car and I decided to take the long way home so I wouldn’t have to wake them. For once, it’s quiet and there’s not a whole lot of traffic on these back roads and it’s too easy to think. And Fast Car by Tracy Chapman comes on the radio and all of a sudden I can’t stop crying.
Crying while driving is always a tricky thing. You can’t really give in to it fully or you’ll really have something to cry about, yet you can’t do too much about it, either. You just sort of have to let it all flow out while establishing a blinking pattern that will leave you with near full visibility and hope your nose doesn’t get into the act, too, because the tissues always go missing out of the center console.
I considered going to the Starbucks drive through and getting something nice to drink but I wasn’t sure if crying girl ordering a grande caramel macchiato was some sort of horrible cliche or noteworthy enough that they’d all talk about it and remember me when I came back. Or for that matter, which would be a bigger blow to my self esteem. So I just drove until John Tesh started talking and I could distract myself with how much I dislike his radio show yet have never bothered to change the channel.
Later that afternoon, I was driving again and a woman driving a car approaching me was crying in her car. She looked angry, like she’d been in an argument and stormed off without considering where it was that she wanted to go. I hope that everything works out for her.
I guess if I tried hard enough I could squeeze out some meaning or lesson from this experience and make this a proper sort of blog post but really I think what I wanted to say was hey, this is where I am, more or less okay but sometimes I cry while driving.
PS thanks to everyone that left nice comments, emailed and called, it’s been very appreciated.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Love. So much love.
I know I’m late MadFab, but thank you.
I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say, except that you have lots of readers who are wondering about things and praying for the best.
Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..The Trouble With Naps
Thank you Kathy.
Still thinking about you and your family. After a life altering tragedy the real world seems to feel awkward for awhile. It will flow again and you will with it. So great to read you again.
Hi Pluie, it really does feel awkward still. My energy is still so uneven, too. Thank you so much for stopping by.
I use my car for emotional outletting. I swear, I rant and yes I cry.
Thinking of you from across the ether and from across the world x
Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..A 7 year old’s version of Dirty Dancing
Thank you Tara. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.
Hugs.
vered ´s last blog ..Thoughts on the Important Subject of Showing Cleavage
Thank you Vered, hugs back to you, too.
No, there’s not really a right place. You just jump in and things gradually, perhaps grudgingly become right in a new way. It’s good to see you again. Wishing you peace.
Hi Julia, you are right, thank you for your good wishes.
Thinking of you Tracy. I’ve been wanting to catch up with you for a while. Sending love and wishes your way.
Prisca´s last blog ..It’s Been a While
I luv Tracey Chapman. She sings to my soul. She was touching yours
Hi Maureen, she really is awesome, isn’t she?
Sometimes it is the little things that make up the “meat” of life. You can’t always live off of the “sweet” things, or the “spicy” things. Sometimes you never know what triggers the tears, but so glad that you could do so instead of holding it in.
Thanks for sharing,
Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..F2: Vegitarian Chili
Hi Christopher, thanks for stopping by. It is a relief to cry sometimes, isn’t it?
Life would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.
Walter, that’s a very good way of looking at it. Thanks.
It has been almost 18 months since I lost my husband. For months if I was in my car alone I would cry. It seemed like it was the only place I was ever alone. I guess that is why I cried in the car so much. I still will cry. It took me months and months before I could listen to the radio. Silence and music both made me cry. I can listen to music now but I still cry sometimes when I am driving.
Beverly, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope every day brings you more comfort and peace.
My husband passed away six months ago. I’m telling you there is no right place to cry and yet, anywhere can be the right place. I was doing just fine a few weeks ago, until I sat down on the couch and saw his urn on the fireplace. I broke down and cried until there were no tears.. or so I thought. I went to the closet and fell over his slippers.. believe me, there were plenty of tears left. So, cry when you feel it.. laugh when you can.. and heal at your pace.
Widow Walker, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that each day brings you more healing and peace.