Or a nice piece of STFU for critics, internal and external
keine Angst means no fear/anxiety in German photo credit: optische_taeuschung
Are you the kind of writer that starts talking about doing one sort of post with friends, gets all excited about it then before you can write it your mind has run through that subject and you’ve totally moved into the next neighborhood? I am, that’s why you should never expect to actually see anything I say I’m going to write because chances are good I’ll write it in my head while doing dishes and consider the matter done with and move on to one of the 87 other ideas that branched out from the original.
I was talking with a friend about how damaging the celebrity culture can be to our own self image; I might still write about that but it got me to thinking about my own self image and what I fear. That’s an ugly word, isn’t it? And I’m half tempted to say oh to heck with it and spoof my more ridiculous fears instead of admitting my real ones. That’s the thing about fears, you have the ones that are easy to admit and then the ones that make you feel queasy to even admit to yourself.
My fear
One of my biggest fears is to try and to fail, not because I mind so much not achieving whatever goal it was but because it means that voice, the one that says “How dare she?” is right.
Now, I’m a fairly together person as people go. I like to think my self esteem is okay and any nuttiness is an asset, not a liability, so this voice must be pretty normal. Mine might be a bit dramatic, yours might say “who do you think you are?” or “are you kidding me, you?” but the heart of it is that whatever it is you’re looking to achieve is a pretty foolish ambition for somebody like you.
Superstar life coach Tim Brownson had a great post on setting goals the other day. In it, he said:
Quite honestly, I don’t want a major goal that doesn’t have some people believing I’ll fail miserably, others thinking “Aw bless ‘im he’s trying his best” and still others thinking I’m mental.
And minus internal insidious voice, this is how I feel, too. Why not go for what I really want? And I’m pumped, Eye of the Tiger and all that, and boom along comes internal voice and for company external voices, too. Because let’s face it, even people who sincerely have your best interests at heart are prone to the same sort of less productive feelings as folks that dislike you very much, so even if you have no enemies (heh, that sounds dramatic) people might very well think you’re crazy to try.
I once said in exasperation that the reason so many people like to see others fall on their asses is because it gives them the perfect excuse never to get off their own. Sometimes people will poke at you for going for it because it’s a lot easier than wondering why on earth they aren’t going for it themselves. Sometimes you’ll be relieved at any roadblock that comes your way, because it gives you a chance to get off this road before you’ve risked too much.
It’s very easy to find an excuse not to keep trying isn’t it? Lack of progress, lack of encouragement, things are too slow, things are too fast. You need a break, you can’t get started again. And there, you’ve found yourself back in the same rut you started out in, only this time it’s been reinforced that it’s foolish to try.
How dare you have tried? Set safe, reasonable goals that align with what it seems like you should value and well, you’ll get somewhere but is it where you want to be?
There was a time when I thought I had to listen to what everyone had to say to be fair or open-minded. Not that I think that I should shut everything out but myself, but more and more I’m realizing there is an awful lot out there that can be safely, and without guilt, dismissed. Borrowing other people’s hang ups is not going to do anything to help me get rid of mine. My negative voice is in no way more realistic than my positive voice and will not be allowed to overpower it.
I think we have a love/hate affair with daring people. From afar, we admire them but it’s uncomfortable to know what to do when faced with one, especially when it’s yourself. That last part probably seems like a contradiction, after all how daring can you be if you’re scared of daring, but sometimes when you dig a little to see you find out that all these years you’ve been hiding a force of nature under all those practical, middle of the road layers. That’s a pretty scary realization to make. Then you get angry that you didn’t make it before. Then you start over-thinking all the whys and wherefores. Stop before the W&Ws and just go directly to channeling scary/angry energy instead. Trust me, you’re just going to wind up back at scary/angry and it makes more sense to just wait and do the W&Ws in the nursing home.
Go ahead and dare. Go ahead and think you’re somebody. Yes you are a person who can do incredible things. And anyone who tells you differently, including your inner critic, can go suck on an egg.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
No wonder Tim adores you so much. You are one smart woman.
Vered – Blogger for Hire´s last blog ..Staycation
“I once said in exasperation that the reason so many people like to see others fall on their asses is because it gives them the perfect excuse never to get off their own”
I think that is true although I think there are a multitude of reasons why they are looking for that excuse in the first place. I don’t think some people ever intend, whatever the circumstance,s to get off their own arse and for those the failure of others confirms they were right not to try. I think others have low self esteem and they feel better by seeing others fail and some are simply scared to death of failing.
If there is zero fear or doubt than it’s unlikely to be much of a stretching or worthwhile goal. Unless we are in discomfort then we really aren’t pushing ourselves. It’s like the people you see at the gym (Ok, let’s be honest they’re nearly always women) that sit on a bike reading a magazine and never breaking sweat in their perfect matching gym kit. There really is no point, unless you stress your body in whatever it is you are doing you cannot train it to improve.
That is why stress isn’t a bad thing, the inability to recover is. And this is exactly where I realize I’m wondering off track.
I have sold less than 2,000 copies of all my books combined, now let me tell you that is a %^$#@*& failure, and failure big time! Is that stopping me writing another and having an outrageous goal? Nope, I can just do it with a lot more experience and I’m a lot more likely to succeed. At least that’s what I’m telling myself
Well explained btw, now back to woprk on those mental goals.
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Self Development Is Easy
Thank you for this post. It’s something that everyone needs to hear!
Asianmommy´s last blog ..Starting the 30 Day Shred
When I worked in tech support one of my coworkers would frequently say, “oh go suck an egg” when he got off the phone with a particularly annoying customer. I love that used that expression at the end of the article
I braced myself for all the negative comments I thought I was going to get when I decided to leave my job and surprisingly I didn’t really get any. I remember, though, when I was an undergrad I told a customer at work that I wanted to go to library school and he talked to me like I was an idiot. Why would he need to put down what I wanted to do? It bothered me more then – not so much anymore.
Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..How to Add a Facebook Application to Your News Stream that You Previously Removed
@Vered thanks! That made my day.
@Tim You are right, it is more than one reason, at least as far as I can see. It seems for me at least, I tend to zone in on the reason that I would find most likely in myself.
I’m glad you stopped by (even though I knew you would since I sort of told you to) because I realized that there seemed to be contradictory statements in my post. For example in one paragraph I have good self esteem, in the other I am scared about what other people think.
What you said made it click for me that yes, in my comfort zone I am at ease, self confident and, duh, comfortable but now that I’ve left that, it might not be surprising that my self esteem is on a roller coaster ride.
Maybe it’s like climbing a cliff*? I’m at the point now in the middle where legs get shaky and stomachs get fluttery and I can either go back down to get on solid ground again or climb up to get on solid ground.
*I have never climbed a cliff and I think just imagining it is enough, thank you very much.
Hi Asianmommy, it’s so good to meet you! Thanks!
Hi Kim! Now I want to go looking for people to tell to suck eggs. Uh-oh. Do you know I haven’t really exactly told my mom what my blog is about? She’s sure going to be mad when she finds out it involves making my brother eat bugs.
I get the sniffy “if that’s what you really want to do…” trailing off to indicate speaker wouldn’t be caught dead doing it a lot. Most of the time I laugh it off, but we all have those crashes of confidence.
(please tell me we all have those crashes of confidence. I am needy, yo! And you have to accept it, because it’s part of my shtick!)
i do this all the time: I’ll write it in my head while doing dishes and consider the matter done and move on….
failing is a part of learning. i fail at a lot of things. i give up, but i never stop trying. a try is always better than doing nothing in my book.
Natural´s last blog ..Why I Miss The Rotary Phone
I think your nuttiness is a tremendous asset. I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, but I’m just such a slacker about leaving comments… your particular brand of nuttiness is unique and rare and fantabulous!
Whenever I read your posts, or tweets, or comments on Tremendous News (you brave soul), I am just blown away. So tell that voice that says, “How Dare She?” to go suck an egg!!!
I often look in the mirror and tell myself I am a big,beautiful black woman. Except I’m not, and am unlikely to be without a great deal of money, painful surgery and a name with more syllables.
I have always been quite lucky and had the belief I could do anything I wanted. Unfortunately I think this may have held me back, as that belief was enough and I never actually had to do much. I could just I COULD do ‘that’ if I WANTED to. Later I realized you actually had to do some work and take some risks to actually ACHIEVE anything rather than just believe that you could.
I have just started of a business that has got off to a terrible start, a blog that didn’t really get anywhere but that just encourages me to keep trying….I think….
But more importantly I bought a new alarm clock yesterday that is radio controlled , you know sets itself to an atomic clock, so will lose less than a second every 1000 years. WTF! Would you buy a watch/clock because in a 1000 years it still be the right time? what kind of selling point is that for a £10 clock. Oh and it glows green!
Wow…i like the go suck and egg advice…will surely work for my weird oh so weird expectations of myself. I might just end up getting somewhere with my own needs …
i love your nuttiness Tracy….inspires me to voice out mine too. Don’t let your nuttiness go anywhere…we all need a dose of it!
Zeenat-Positive Provocations´s last blog ..Inspirational Quote Of The Week.{31/7/09}
@Natural Can you imagine how much great literature we’ve deprived the world of because we are content to publish in our head. Why are we so selfish!
@Lisis, thank you so much! And I’ve been so lousy about commenting these past weeks, too. So much for summer of mad productivity. It’s okay though, I learned that I do not work well with four needy children around the house (#2 went off on a European vacation with the grandmas this year. Spoiled little booger). This is important information for me to know going forward.
@Guy EEK! Out of my head, I totally used to be able to DO EVERYTHING if I WANTED to, but you know I wasn’t so uncool to be wanting to DO things like some sort of schmucky thing doer.
What is it they say? Fail faster? Other people (the ones we want to worry about) remember our successes, we’re the ones that dwell on our failures.
Hi Zeenat! Thanks, I was just thinking today that maybe I take myself too seriously then realized, you know what? I really do not. Go ahead and let your nuttiness flow freely!
My voice doesn’t say “How dare she?” but instead, “You think _you_ could do something like that?” while it chuckles disdainfully.
Ironically, the people in my life have been very supportive of my goals and just assume that I will achieve them. So there’s a little pressure there–the downside of support, I guess.
I think having the courage to try, is so incredibly important. Even when I haven’t succeeded with a goal, I’ve learned something valuable that I needed to know. But I was scared to try for a long time and it feels good not to be afraid of trying now. (Although, that’s led to new fears!)
Anyway, congrats for trying and for telling those voices to STFU! (Love that!)
-Shades/Renée
Renée´s last blog ..Rats?
This is so well written and true- I think I might have to read this post aloud to myself every day. Do you think it’ll sink in eventually?
Adrenalynn´s last blog ..Makeover
As I read your post I was reminded of Rilke’s words. “Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.” Good post Tracy!
One of the nicest things about this blogging world of ours is that almost every day I seem to be able to find a blog I haven’t seen before, and which I want to read in future. This is my blog of the day!
The only thing I would add to your post is how much easier it is to “dare” when your significant other is fully supportive of whatever it is you’re daring to do. I’m lucky in that way.
Mike CJ´s last blog ..Why I’m So Disappointed in Some A List Bloggers
Hi Renee! You know it’s funny, I get loads of support for goals I never wanted in the first place but I think many people don’t understand what it is that I do. Which I suppose is understandable because I just huff and puff and roll my eyes at them when they ask.
Heh.
Hi Adrenalynn, better yet fly me out and I’ll read it to you every day and then we’ll go out dancing with the little man. I still laugh every time I think of that video of him dancing in the streets. You must be amazing to have a kid that cool.
Hi Mike! Good to see you! I must warn you, not all my posts are so coherent. A lot of them involve me taking canned meats out of the cans and taking pictures. This is why the whole “what will I do when I hit the A-list” problem is academic for me.
Tracy´s last blog ..How dare she?
“One of my biggest fears is to try and to fail, not because I mind so much not achieving whatever goal it was but because it means that voice, the one that says “How dare she?” is right.”
This is completely me. And the reason I have a hard time moving forward at times. Frustrating, and something I always need to work on… I need to tell my inner voice to “go suck an egg” more often.
RC – Rambling Along…´s last blog ..Truly blessed
Hi RC! Just keep rambling along!