Or, guest post by Numb Nuggets!
I met Numb Nuggets on Twitter and quickly learned he has a great sense of humor as well as being an all around nice guy. Be sure to check out his blog, it’s full of laughs as well as more moving posts, including the touching story of his wife’s battle with breast cancer.
The Almost Killer Mouse
There was once a mouse named Sniffles
Who found some snot in his fipple.
When he tried to blow
So sweet music would flow
His sax shot the teacher’s grand nipple.
photo credit: sjkunphy
How to Pick Your Nose Without Making a Mess on the Steering Wheel
DISCLAIMER: Any photos depicting humans younger than driving age is not to be interpreted as an endorsement by me to allow the younguns to drive. They are posted for entertainment purposes only. Hopefully, though, this how-to will provide them one more reason to look forward to the day they receive their driving license.
- Make sure you have a treasure worth digging for. Remember you are putting your reputation on the line if anyone driving by recognizes you.
- Having that, observe proper truck-driving mirror etiquette: check all mirrors every three seconds to avoid surprise drive-ups.
- Carefully check all blind spots around your vehicle, just in case that girl/guy you’ve been drooling over at the office/campus/bar/grocery is driving by and might end up seeing you. Murphy’s Law has a way of intersecting one’s reality during moments like this.
- With proper attention to road safety, perform an exploratory dig to confirm the suspicion mentioned in #1 above. CAUTION: If the gem you’re seeking is found, don’t go all the way in just yet!
- Check mirrors and blind spots
- If all is clear, prepare the finger. It must be dry, so as to provide the best chance of adhering to the sticky surface of the nugget in question. If possible, it should be able to fit somewhat between the wall of your sinus cavity and the mass. This makes for easier excavation and provides the best chance of removing the delectable treat in one piece.
- Carefully insert finger, moving it next to or around the mass.
- Repeat steps 5, 6 and 7 of the Preparatory Phase until the nugget is firmly attached to your finger. Occasionally you must change fingers in order to get a sufficiently dry dermal layer to use for attachment.
- Continue checking mirrors and blind spots. But, make sure you watch where you are going. Safety is not to be compromised here!
- Carefully, gently retract the finger. Contrary to popular opinion, you want as much trailing material to stay with the main body as possible. This will provide much entertainment value after the extraction, especially if you are on the freeway and humidity is low. CAUTION: extra care must be taken at this point. If you do not have sufficient distance from others of the human species and you are lucky enough to have a large trail of goop attached to your crown jewel, like a gelatinous trail on a comet, you risk being seen in a very compromising position. This is the most critical stage of the entire process.
- As the ore is extracted, revel in the feeling of release as the nugget and its gelatinous entrails exit slowly from your sinus cavity. It’s almost as good as sex. ALMOST, but not quite. Also delight in the fact that you are now beyond the riskiest stage of the procedure. As long as no one looks too closely, you may resume driving in normal traffic.
- Once all is extracted, carefully and with one hand gather all the material into one glob so that you can roll it between your thumb and forefinger.
- Place hand out the window or in front of the air ducts. If you do the latter, turn the air conditioner or heater on to provide the lowest humidity range possible.
- Sit back and enjoy the process of rolling, rolling, rolling your snot between thumb and forefinger until enough moisture has been eliminated so as to produce a nice, firm little ball. Maybe crank up some of your favorite tunes, put your coolest pair of Ray-bans on, let your hair down, sing out loud. Wallow in the moment. You worked hard for this!
- When the little fun ball is dry, no goop remains on your fingers and you are ready to move on you can do any number of things. Me? I flick it out the window and smile as I imagine the little snot ball bouncing down the road behind me. But if eating the salty treat is your thing, nibble away! Or, save it in your glove box for later. Really, just use your imagination at this point.
Next time you’re driving down the road and feel that familiar annoyance, that distant sensation of fullness somewhere behind your nostrils, why reach for a hanky when you have so much fun doing something different this time?
You see, it is not the end result that is most important here, it is living fully in the moment, reveling in the process, stretching your boundaries and living outside your comfort zone.
And do not forgot what some guy said when he wrote a bunch of stuff while wondering around in some forest or hanging out by some pond somewhere: “suck the marrow out of life” (or in this case, your snot cave).
For inside each of us is a child waiting to break free!
“An average guy trying to enjoy life’s simple moments. Chris is a husband, proud dad of three boys and a recovering Software Engineer. His current writings can all be found on his blog, Numb Nuggets on which he commits career suicide regularly. If he can ever get his act together again, he hopes to finish his novel before he dies. Chris is very honored to be featured on I Hate My Message Board“