Or, Plausible Explanations for Inexplicable Crap
Photo credit Paraflyer
Tim asks:
Where do all the millions of dead birds go and how come you don’t know anybody that has ever been hit on the head by one? They must be plummeting from the skies with gay abandon but I’ve never had one land on me or my car.
BTW, that is an extract from my up and coming book so it’s copyrighted!
Consider this not only a plausible explanation post but a plug for Tim’s up and coming book. I have not read it yet, but as Tim is my life coach and having a world famous life coach can only enhance my authority, I feel certain that it is the right thing to do to use my vast influence to make his book an international best seller.
Unfortunately, I have to say that this question is maybe a little too explicable but that’s okay. It’s good to ease into new things. If I started with some truly inexplicable crap, I might have to get all metaphysical and junk in my explaining and the people (not you, you’re smart, those other people) might not understand and be discouraged from subscribing to my very fine blog and I will never become rich and famous.
The thing you have to know about birds is that while I am pretty sure they are human enough to be evil, they aren’t human enough to do stupid crap like go flying around while they are feeling sick. Any bird, when he/she is feeling poorly and under the weather takes the day off. They go find someplace nice and secluded and either:
- Rest up and feel better and emerge early the next day to get that worm
- Die
By the way, birds also go into seclusion when they are feeling depressed. That’s why “When Doves Cry” is such a poignant song, nobody really knows what it sounds like because the doves hide so nobody will hear them weeping. Isn’t that a tragic and touching image? Wasn’t Prince a genuis? By the way, all birds do this, not only doves, but it’s only poetic when they do it. When an ostrich does it, it’s just kind of stupid because the dummies only stick their heads in the sand. So:
- Tortured sensitive soul afraid to make themselves vulnerable to a world that doesn’t understand = good (me)
- Stupidhead avoiding problems that any idiot can see needs dealing with = bad (other people)
Getting back to the question, you’ll find that most of the time birds die of natural causes hidden away in various nooks, crannies and niches and are soon eaten by various scavengers. The circle of life, Tim, the circle of life is the unseeing hand that sweeps clean the world.
Generally speaking, if a bird dies of unnatural causes – pretty much murder is the only explanation I can think of - he is eaten by the one that killed him. Even if the fiend doesn’t eat him, it usually takes place in some sort of dark alley type place and once again our friends the scavengers take care of the evidence. I guess sometimes birds are run over by cars but so far I haven’t been successful. Most other causes of unnatural bird death, i.e. flying into a plane’s propellers, tend to result in unrecognizable chunks of bird being thrown hither and yon.
I can hear you asking now: but what about mid-flight heart attacks and strokes? Surely sometimes that must happen and send the bird plummeting to the ground or our windshield or heads! Well, no, it doesn’t happen that often, and I’ll tell you why:
STRESS
People have it, birds do not. How do I know that? God told me, or rather Jesus, who is God, I think. I’m not sure. That whole Trinity thing really blows my mind. Anyway, from the Sermon on the Mount:
“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?”
So basically, what Jesus is saying here is be like the birds because they don’t worry. And when you don’t worry, you don’t have stress. And when you don’t have stress you don’t have high blood pressure and various clots here and there and things apt to burst at any minute. All of which makes it extremely unlikely that you’ll suffer from cardiac arrest or a stroke while midflight.
Of course, some birds have bum DNA but it’s not a ton because of reasons far too technical for me to go into without boring the tears out of everyone; suffice it to say, the number of birds with these sorts of genetic defects are few and far between making the odds of one falling on your head minuscule. Most of the defective birds were smart enough to devolve out of flying and/or become domesticated which further decreases your odds.
You know Tim, the more I think of it, the more I’m realizing that this question isn’t about the birds and where they go, but it’s about life. It’s about looking to nature and thinking “Hey, they don’t seem to have the same sorts of problems we do, what can we learn from this? What can we extrapolate and apply to enhance our own lives?” To wit:
- Stay away from other people when you are infested with the germs.
- It is healthy and good to have open, honest communication with your loved ones about your feelings. Unless you want to create great art like Prince, then you should angst about it some. Well, only if you’re good at that sort of artsy thing, otherwise you are just “emo”. I’m not sure what “emo” exactly entails but my son assures me it is to be avoided.
- Jesus was one of the first life coaches and a great innovator in that field.
- Sometimes devolution is a good thing!
Got some inexplicable crap that requires a plausible explanation? Send it to me using the contact button on the upper right of this page and maybe I’ll answer it in this column!
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