Or, admire my skill in typing while dry heaving
About a month ago, there was a thread on the IHMMB forums linking to a Consumerist post called “The Worst Food Product Ever May Have Been Found“. I was surprised how many people had never heard of pork brains in milk gravy, as I’ve seen them in many grocery stores, near the Spam and canned corned beef hash. So, of course I went and bought a can. I couldn’t find the Armour brand, but I think off brand pork brains are probably just as good.
You might have noticed that both cans have the brains nestled in scrambled eggs. That’s how they are served here and you can even find them on some restaurant menus. I’ve never seen anyone order it, but I always like it when I see it on the menu. It gives me that “ahhh, I’m not eating at no dang corporate chain, no I’m eating at the restaurant of the people. The eggs n’ brains eating dadgummed heart of America” feeling.
I’m glad they didn’t try to pull that one can equals two servings crap. Do you share your can of Sirloin Burger? I think not.
The famous 10 days worth of cholesterol in one serving but who knew that pork brains had vitamin C?
Okay, you’re right, I was totally stalling on opening the can.
The smell that came out of the can was like ground up vienna sausages mixed with particularly strong canned dog food. The cheap kind, not the kind that is better than what most people eat. I can still smell it, but maybe that’s because I haven’t taken out the trash yet.
I tipped the can out onto a plate and that’s when my stomach really started to clench up and I became woozy and light-headed. I’d thought about scrambling up some eggs and tucking it inside to see if I could make it look like the picture on the front of the can but all the blood was rushing out of my head and I couldn’t imagine making it that far without vomitting or falling down. It felt as if I couldn’t walk and it was all I could do to set up the camera to take a picture. Of course, my tripod was wobbling (it’s one of those bendy legged ones) and I felt a sudden fear that my camera would fall into the pork brains and felt as though I might cry.
Brains bring up some deep seated taboo and it distresses me to even look at them. If pigs have souls, surely they must live in the brain. And surely pigs must have souls, otherwise people wouldn’t make so many movies about them. And to eat, or even touch the house of another living being’s soul or scramble it with eggs, why that’s sacrilege. Let’s hope that there is really no such thing as zombies, for if there are, and one gets me, I’ll be in a doozy of a pickle then.
However, since I’m nothing if not dedicated to my work as a person who blogs about stuff so people will pay attention to her, I did dip my pinkie finger in the milk gravy and have a small taste. It was salty and made me shudder. I thought perhaps I ought to give it a poke but I couldn’t make my fingers do it, so I dumped the whole thing in the garbage disposal and let the water run a good long time.
I am also wondering why the milk gravy. So, I wrote Armour (I couldn’t find Rose’s website):
Hi! I was wondering why your pork brains, and indeed all the brands of pork brains I have ever seen, are packed in milk gravy. Is it for taste or does the milk act as a preservative?
I will let you know if I get an answer. Until then, enjoy this video of some fools eating Rose pork brains in milk gravy.