One can’t very well blog when one is sick, can one?

Or, I know that title probably doesn’t mean what I want it to, but I have a sick pass

Don't worry, this hot mess will be explained in due time

My entire family, including and especially me, came down with some sort of medieval style plague this week. We’re not sure what it is, but it’s the kind of sick that makes every step feel like walking through quicksand and your bits of thought trudge through your brain, unable to leap from synapse to synapse to form any sort of coherent statement. Writing was out of the question but knowing that I’ll never hit the 10 readers a day mark without delivering the goods on a regular basis I made a valiant effort.

Sometimes, no matter how valiant the effort you fail. This is a blow to a can-do spirit like me who refuses to believe failure is an option. And I’m right, a lot of the time failure is not optional, it’s thrust upon you like so many nasty crud bugs and you can’t opt out. What is that called? Mandatory? It’s fine, I get it, the germs won; however I have to post something, and so instead of a real post, I’ll just tell you what I would have written about, if only I were in a state capable of transforming thoughts into a series of sentences arranged in a manner conducive to conveying ideas and emotions.

Idea #1: Clever essay on how people who give me the stink eye when they see me and my double stroller in the store suck.

I was at the drugstore buying medicine for my poor sick baby when some guy wearing his fancy “oooh look at me, I have gainful employment” business casual attire sees me trying to herd everyone to the register and breaks into a sprint to get in front of us in line. This happens a lot. You can just hear them thinking “Eek, woman with children and stroller! I bet she tries to pay with a check and has coupons. I must get in front of her! I bet she has all day to shop, but no, she has to do it when I am making my Mountain Dew run and need to get back to the office.”

There was a lot more to it and it was really funny but I lost it when my fever broke. I tried to piece it back together in my head, but realized all that I had left was barely a tweet “People who give dirty looks to parents with double strollers are mean”. I suppose I could have added “Right on red is a priviledge, not a right you nearly running over me and my kids idjet” but that’s not so much quality blog post as a disjointed rant. My audience expects better of me.

Idea #2 Photo of a funny Valentine’s Day card with humorous commentary.

My kids bought Marvel Superhero Valentines to pass out to their classes and one of them had a picture of Wolverine with “You’re the X-Man for me!” on it and another with Iron Man that said “Our love is like iron!” I admit, I chuckled a bit at these for all the wrong reasons. Relentless Pruner Man threw them all out yesterday, which was kind of bogus but I forgive him because I am a very big person. It’s probably for the best, because I’m imaging myself getting into all kinds of trouble or at least getting a lot of confused looks if I’d written it down.

Still, you have to admit, it’s kind of funny that little kids pass around Valentine’s cards with X-Men on them with quasi-romantic sayings on them.  Why don’t we just call it Candy Day?

Idea #3 Deluxe Edition of “Stuff I shouldn’t do”

I haven’t done a “Stuff I shouldn’t do” for awhile and figured it was time. For those who have never read one, it’s just a post on this blog or the forums where I ruminate on something that I think would be hellaciously funny but won’t do for obvious reasons. Like my Vicki Lawrence impersonation project.

Problem is, I can only think of one idea (deluxe edition requires at least 3) in my weakened state and that is to change is to change it so that when you click the “post” button on the forums, you cornify the page instead (see picture above). Perhaps I could even have 1/3 of the posters cornify, 1/3 bacolicio.us and 1/3 nothing at all, just to mix things up a bit or have it even be a crapshoot what happens when you click post. Could be you post goes through; could be Hello Kitty on a unicorn coming to say hi. You just never know!

Instead, I just put a small “cornify” button on the forums for about a half hour this morning but then I realized I was far too grumpy to explain to people the purpose of putting sparkly rainbows all over the page. Seriously, why would that even need explaining? It’s awesome, that’s why! Like I said, it’s like the internet is your Trapper Keeper and you have an infinite supply of Lisa Frank. How could you not want that?

I hope everyone is not too angry or sad that they missed out on such great material while I was sick. I know it’s not fair and I understand if you are mad at the Universe for awhile. I was mad, too but somehow I found the strength to go on and you will, too. I expect to be better this week, but in case I am not, you will be missing a Museum of Snack Foods entry on stinky candy, my attempts at defining authority and niche, a review of the Nokia N85 and if I’d had the time, perhaps a serious style essay on something I’ve been thinking about recently.

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Tagged as: bacolicio.us, cornify, double strollers, mean people that are mean to me and suck, sick, Stuff I shouldn't Do, Valentines