Ich habe das Telefonangst

Or, Another Career Aspiration Is Kaput Before it Even Has a Chance

Photo Credit: © david.nikonvscanon

It’s the new year and like many people, I’m taking stock. Noting where I am today, what I’m doing now, where I’d like to be in the future, that sort of thing. One of the things that stood out was that I have a rather boring standard bio that I post on sites:

My name is Tracy, I like to write about the odd little things I see both off and online. I am also the owner/administrator of the I Hate My Message Board Forums, you can read the story behind how it all came to be here. Offline, I am a wife and mother to five boys – there’s really not much time for much else!

Not very exciting and seems to scream “hobbyist” or “amateur”. Maybe not the five boys part; I think most people would find that somewhat impressive and indicative of a certain expertise.

Most of the other people I meet online have “jobs” that they are “expert” at and I really should be no different, especially as I’ve been going around to websites like Chris Brogan’s and Problogger making comments that would seem to indicate that I do something that people would pay money for.

Based on my stats, a handful of people make their way here from those comments and I know they just scratch their head and think “WTF?” and mutter something about you meet all kinds on the internet. Sorry about that.

Hold your horses, I’m getting to the part about the phone

Most people would have rewritten their bio to include more action words and confidence but I just forgot. Until today when I happened to wind up at Tim Brownson’s blog. He is a life coach I know from Twitter and I have two of his books that I am going to read, except I’m stuck at the part where it says to print out the worksheets because I think there are cookies stuck in my printer. I am hoping the books fix me right the heck up. Expect copious progress reports.

So, I read what I went there to read, then a little later the tab is still open, so I read some more and found this post: How (not) to Become a Life Coach and realized, shoot, I know what’s wrong with people! I know what they should be doing! I know, I mean, know where it all went terribly wrong with each and every one of them. And I’m compassionate too, but with good, firm boundaries. I’d be a natural!

The only problem is, I have no idea how to get the ball rolling. I know plastic surgeons just sit you down in a swanky office and say “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself” but that seems like a question a fixer would ask, I’m look to be a coacher. But then I noticed a button on the site advertising a free 30 minute consultation and voila! Problem solved. I would just call Tim up, note what he said to me and then use that on my clients. All I needed was an opening line or two, after that momentum would take care of the rest. I’m certain Tim would see it as wonderful that I’d taken initiative that way and we’d laugh about it for years to come at all our Life Coach balls and soirees.

But, as is often the case, my plan had a flaw. A fatal flaw.

There was no way I was going to call Tim on the phone. None. It’s possible I could have just asked for him to call me but I don’t know what kind of long distance plan he has and I don’t know, is it just me, or is it taking the piss to have somebody call you so that you can steal their techniques to go into competition with them? Also, I was afraid he might want to know why he had to call me and/or tell me that he can’t take that first step for me. I’m really not up for that kind of ruthless confrontation.

Then I read further down his contact page and found out he seems to be from the UK and all bets where off. I lived in Dublin for six months and never once called anyone in the country because I was so petrified of not being able to understand their accents over the phone and them being offended. I’m sure his accent is lovely, but there is sure to be some crucial word I’d miss and next thing you know, we’re in a real life version of a Monty Python sketch.

I’m not sure why I have such a hard time initiating phone calls but I know I am not alone. That’s the benefit of having a message board, no matter what problem you have there are sure to be half a dozen people with exactly the same problem. More, if you are a member of ihatemytelephone.com. By the way, nobody buy that domain name, I’m doing it as soon as I save up twelve bucks. The world is full of people that have to muster up the courage to call to schedule a dentist’s appointment. Why do you think online pizza ordering is such a success? If it were up to me, all business could be transacted by email or text message.

And here is where you find out I do not deserve to be an expert real job person.

Last week, I had a bad experience at Taco Bell. It’s a long story, but if you are curious, you can read it here. I was still upset when I got home, so I filled out the online customer comment form and then put it out of my head. Until last night, when I got a call. “Hello, this is Darryl from Taco Bell can I speak to Tracy?” and even though I knew what it was about I panicked and said “she’s not home right now, can I take a message?” Why did I do that? Do we even want to know?

The thing is, if I were talking to Darryl in person, I’d have told him the story and then said “I understand it can be hard” and chuckled and given him a look that said “I understand it can be hard. I’d find it hard, too. Although I probably would have found a way to overcome, but that’s okay, we can’t all be superstars.” Or if he’d emailed me, I would have said “while I understand this is a difficult job for very little pay, in addition to the lack of customer service, I do not understand why half of your employees seem to be stoned. I know half of your customers probably are, too, and while it seems like it would be a happy equation, I assure you it is not. May I also suggest a course in remedial burrito rolling is in order and that you need to tweak your supply chain to insure Fire Sauce is available at all times. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters. Best wishes, Tracy”

Don’t read if further if you are the person who bought me an expensive iPhone for Christmas.

But on the phone my confidence disintegrated like so many clumsily rolled burritos and I just could not face telling Darryl my tale of woe. I imagined that unable to see his face and gauge his reaction, I would stammer and squeak and take his silence to mean all sorts of hideous things. Contempt. Boredom. Incredulity. Anger. And after? Would he call his assistant into his office to tell her about the crazy lady with five children and impossible demands? Would they have a good giggle over me and my choked squeal of a voice? Perhaps he would be so outraged at the rude way in which I’d been treated in their establishment and put me on speaker phone or a conference call with the board of directors. I couldn’t let that happen to me, so I took the easy way out and lied.

And let me tell you that it was a relief. Sweet reprieve. I know they say that each time you avoid your fear you make it worse, and yeah, that’s pretty much true but it has to be noted that nothing feels better than escaping almost certain humiliation.

Don’t worry, this ends well!

Thus, as quickly as it began, my dream of being a life coach was squashed and I find myself eager and excited to see what new opportunities life brings my way. I don’t look at it as life closing a door in front of me, but as me opening a door, then shutting it, then going someplace else. <–By the way, Tim Brownson, if you see this, you can use that line with your clients, I am sure they will find it inspiring. I find the image of me standing on the porch of my house, wind in my hair and the whole world ahead of me to be quite poignant and beautiful.

BTW, if anyone is wondering, Taco Bell went ahead and sent me a coupon for any free menu item, grande and combo meals excluded, with a jaunty “WE CARE” written in bold 72pt print at the bottom. So, everyone won today, I think.

Tagged as: career, fears, life coaching, phone