The Paranoid Mom Reviews New Products: Cargo Comforters

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I came across this ad while going through the Sunday coupons in my local paper. Normally, I ignore ads for mail order clothing but something about the Magic Cling™ back pockets drew me in to take a closer look.

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At first glance these seem like ordinary sweat pants, a pretty good deal at $12.99 per pair when you buy two or more. But look closer – Extra Deep “Hand Warming” Pockets. Why is “hand warming” in quotation marks? Is that just a euphemism for something? It must be, otherwise why the quote marks? And if it’s a euphemism, what on earth could they be euphemising? I can’t imagine it would be something non-pervy, probably involving sitting on a park bench watching ladies jog.

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Zip Fly: No more droppin’ your drawers just to do numero uno!

That’s just unfortunate and doltish. And I’m just going to say it, I don’t think it’s manly to want pants that are as soft as a kitten.

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The smiley face on the order form makes me sad and more than a little bit uncomfortable.

If, for some reason you want to order the Cargo Comforters™ and you are a gentleman of size, I would suggest that you use the order form, which states “Big Guys Same Low Price!”. If you go online to haband.com to order, they charge $5.60 more for waists XL and up. I am not sure why this disreprency pisses me off, it just does.

32 Responses to "The Paranoid Mom Reviews New Products: Cargo Comforters"

travit says:

November 17, 2008 at 3:17 am

Hand warming pockets qualifies as one of the most disturbing phrases I have ever read. And I’ve read at least one Nicholas Sparks book.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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travit says:

November 16, 2008 at 9:17 pm

Hand warming pockets qualifies as one of the most disturbing phrases I have ever read. And I’ve read at least one Nicholas Sparks book.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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travit says:

November 17, 2008 at 3:18 am

Hey, look at your fancy blog. Now when I comment it reminds me that I haven’t updated my blog in a long time. Nifty.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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travit says:

November 16, 2008 at 9:18 pm

Hey, look at your fancy blog. Now when I comment it reminds me that I haven’t updated my blog in a long time. Nifty.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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Tracy says:

November 17, 2008 at 3:33 am

I am quite fancy, aren’t I?

I came back to point out that the mailing address is: #1 Bargain Place. I wish I could have a vanity street address. How do you get one of those? I should make inquiries, I want my mail sent to 1 Hatery Lane and then when people ask me if I’m a milliner I will say no, that’s a hattery, dumbass.

Also, it would appear that the owner of the company is Duke Habernickel – that’s a really fitting name, no?

Tracy´s last blog post..Photo of the Day – Special Bonus Edition

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Tracy says:

November 16, 2008 at 9:33 pm

I am quite fancy, aren’t I?

I came back to point out that the mailing address is: #1 Bargain Place. I wish I could have a vanity street address. How do you get one of those? I should make inquiries, I want my mail sent to 1 Hatery Lane and then when people ask me if I’m a milliner I will say no, that’s a hattery, dumbass.

Also, it would appear that the owner of the company is Duke Habernickel – that’s a really fitting name, no?

Tracy´s last blog post..Photo of the Day – Special Bonus Edition

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travit says:

November 17, 2008 at 3:36 am

I reckon if he sells a lot of pants he’ll haber a lot more than a nickel. Shoot for the stars Duke.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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travit says:

November 16, 2008 at 9:36 pm

I reckon if he sells a lot of pants he’ll haber a lot more than a nickel. Shoot for the stars Duke.

travit´s last blog post..Use Your Imagination

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Tracy says:

November 17, 2008 at 3:40 am

Ha! I was going in a different direction with that, but the cheap angle works, too.

Did you notice I have the “ShareThis” icon now at the bottom of posts? It would seem that you can use that to post this on your own blog. Isn’t that awesome? We can just roam the internet looking for people who write better than we do and post their stuff on our blogs!

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Tracy says:

November 16, 2008 at 9:40 pm

Ha! I was going in a different direction with that, but the cheap angle works, too.

Did you notice I have the “ShareThis” icon now at the bottom of posts? It would seem that you can use that to post this on your own blog. Isn’t that awesome? We can just roam the internet looking for people who write better than we do and post their stuff on our blogs!

Reply
BettyLou says:

November 17, 2008 at 6:54 am

All they need is one of those butt flap trap doors and a guy would never have to drop his drawers again. It appears that Mr. Habernickel didn’t think of everything after all.

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BettyLou says:

November 17, 2008 at 12:54 am

All they need is one of those butt flap trap doors and a guy would never have to drop his drawers again. It appears that Mr. Habernickel didn’t think of everything after all.

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MurDup says:

November 17, 2008 at 6:09 pm

Who needs six pockets in sweatpants? What are they carrying?

“Easy access zipper” Hmmm, its not easy to stretch the elastic waistband to take care of business? I think it takes more energy to work a zipper.

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MurDup says:

November 17, 2008 at 12:09 pm

Who needs six pockets in sweatpants? What are they carrying?

“Easy access zipper” Hmmm, its not easy to stretch the elastic waistband to take care of business? I think it takes more energy to work a zipper.

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MadFab says:

November 18, 2008 at 1:26 am

I suspect my dodgy neighbour across the street, “affectionately” dubbed Shuffler, will be investing in several pairs of these.

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MadFab says:

November 17, 2008 at 7:26 pm

I suspect my dodgy neighbour across the street, “affectionately” dubbed Shuffler, will be investing in several pairs of these.

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Tracy says:

November 18, 2008 at 7:23 pm

@ BettyLou, but isn’t there still the underwear problem? Don’t tell me people go commando in their Cargo Comforters!

@ MurDup Lube?

@ MadFab I bet he’s the same guy that used to come into the deli where I worked in college wearing teeny tiny tennis shorts and then would sit with his legs spread wide.

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Tracy says:

November 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm

@ BettyLou, but isn’t there still the underwear problem? Don’t tell me people go commando in their Cargo Comforters!

@ MurDup Lube?

@ MadFab I bet he’s the same guy that used to come into the deli where I worked in college wearing teeny tiny tennis shorts and then would sit with his legs spread wide.

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becki says:

November 18, 2008 at 10:02 pm

Zip Fly:”No more dropping your drawers just to go numero uno” –

Who is writing this smart ad copy? I am in need of some keyword rich product descriptions for SEO purposes – perhaps this guy is still available!

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becki says:

November 18, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Zip Fly:”No more dropping your drawers just to go numero uno” –

Who is writing this smart ad copy? I am in need of some keyword rich product descriptions for SEO purposes – perhaps this guy is still available!

Reply
Just call me Tracy’s Mom, Jr. | I Hate My Message Board says:

May 29, 2009 at 10:18 pm

[...] of, I also got this neat Nokia N85 to review, too. I guess my reviews of Slankets and Cargo Comforters really put my name out there on the who to send stuff to review [...]

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jim says:

October 25, 2009 at 9:58 pm

Wow, what a strange web site!

I was thinking about buying some of these pants and was checking for reviews. You do not, in fact, review the pants, only the ad. And you are way off the mark.

For example, the smiley face that freaks you out? It is simply a way to mark the code number you must type into the site to get the offer in the ad (the cargo comforters do not show up in the regular listing). So that means you never even looked at the page and got your “extra price for bigger sizes” info from some other pants.

The 6 pockets indicate they are real cargo pants (which have 2 standard front pockets, 2 back pockets and 2 cargo pockets). Some sweat pants lack back pockets. Cargo pockets are a good place to stick something bulky, because you don’t sit on them. Also good for easy access if you are wearing a winter coat or jacket. Also harder to pickpocket. I tend to wear cargo pants on vacations. The pockets are good for maps or a small bottle of sunscreen. Who needs 6 pockets? People who don’t carry purses!

I guess you’re all women because none of you understand why it’s easier to take a leak with a zipper (as in a pair of jeans) than by pulling your pants down. If you just tug on the waistband (after undoing the drawstring) you need one hand to hold the waistband down, one to open the fly in your briefs and another one to aim. But then, your whole “review” is an example of firing without aiming, since you have no information to back up anything you say.

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1. Tracy says:
  
  October 25, 2009 at 10:26 pm
  
  I hope I still got your vote for Good Mood Blogger!
  
  Reply
jim says:

October 25, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Wow, what a strange web site!

I was thinking about buying some of these pants and was checking for reviews. You do not, in fact, review the pants, only the ad. And you are way off the mark.

For example, the smiley face that freaks you out? It is simply a way to mark the code number you must type into the site to get the offer in the ad (the cargo comforters do not show up in the regular listing). So that means you never even looked at the page and got your “extra price for bigger sizes” info from some other pants.

The 6 pockets indicate they are real cargo pants (which have 2 standard front pockets, 2 back pockets and 2 cargo pockets). Some sweat pants lack back pockets. Cargo pockets are a good place to stick something bulky, because you don’t sit on them. Also good for easy access if you are wearing a winter coat or jacket. Also harder to pickpocket. I tend to wear cargo pants on vacations. The pockets are good for maps or a small bottle of sunscreen. Who needs 6 pockets? People who don’t carry purses!

I guess you’re all women because none of you understand why it’s easier to take a leak with a zipper (as in a pair of jeans) than by pulling your pants down. If you just tug on the waistband (after undoing the drawstring) you need one hand to hold the waistband down, one to open the fly in your briefs and another one to aim. But then, your whole “review” is an example of firing without aiming, since you have no information to back up anything you say.

Reply
1. Tracy says:
  
  October 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm
  
  I hope I still got your vote for Good Mood Blogger!
  
  Reply
Eddie Spaghetti says:

October 25, 2009 at 11:14 pm

Boy, Jimbo sounds like a real sharp tool – “I am outraged that a humor site would fail to give an accurate review of pants!”

Jim sounds like a real “pants aficionado” who should perhaps, oh, I don’t know, not look for pants reviews from a site like this?

Further, I don’t get why the zipper on these types of pants is considered a GOOD thing. I’d much prefer just to yank my pants down and do my business than have to unzip, and navigate both the pants hole and the underwear/boxers hole. Far easier to just pull down my pants, withdraw my weapon and aim all with one hand. I guess some of us are just better equipped than others.

These pants do look like they’d be good for the strip club, though. You know, for the whole deep “hand warming” pockets. Where do I place my order?

Reply
Eddie Spaghetti says:

October 25, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Boy, Jimbo sounds like a real sharp tool – “I am outraged that a humor site would fail to give an accurate review of pants!”

Jim sounds like a real “pants aficionado” who should perhaps, oh, I don’t know, not look for pants reviews from a site like this?

Further, I don’t get why the zipper on these types of pants is considered a GOOD thing. I’d much prefer just to yank my pants down and do my business than have to unzip, and navigate both the pants hole and the underwear/boxers hole. Far easier to just pull down my pants, withdraw my weapon and aim all with one hand. I guess some of us are just better equipped than others.

These pants do look like they’d be good for the strip club, though. You know, for the whole deep “hand warming” pockets. Where do I place my order?

Reply
JD at I Do Things says:

October 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Wow, what a strange web site I’ve stumbled onto in my search for pants!

Oh, wait. This is a HUMOR BLOG, which is obviously making fun of a pair of pants.

Never mind. I’ll keep reading.

Huh. This person doesn’t seem to “get” how pants such as these are sold. Nor does she/he understand the importance of the smiley face, without which, apparently, one would not be able to type in the proper code number.

Hmmm. Maybe I should just write the review here, since this person obviously doesn’t have a clue. 6 pockets . . . blah, blah . . . standard front pockets . . . etc, etc. . . . easy access if you’re wearing a coat . . .

Maybe a little personal information will liven up this review: I wear these pants on vacation! I load up the pockets with my wallet, maps, sunscreen, water bottle, camera, snacks, a small notebook for writing clothing reviews, souvenirs . . . the only problem is that when I drop my pants to “take a leak,” everything falls out.

Oh, wait! “Taking a leak” is a brilliant analogy of how this review “fires” but does NOT “aim.” HAHAHAHA!

Since men are the only ones who would ever appreciate pants with no zipper, I have to conclude that the “author” of this “review” is a woman. Figures. What do women know about pants? They should all be in the kitchen, wearing dresses and cooking our meals while we’re out hunting in our Cargo Comforters.
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Bought a Bumpits so you don’t have to =-.

Reply
JD at I Do Things says:

October 26, 2009 at 7:12 am

Wow, what a strange web site I’ve stumbled onto in my search for pants!

Oh, wait. This is a HUMOR BLOG, which is obviously making fun of a pair of pants.

Never mind. I’ll keep reading.

Huh. This person doesn’t seem to “get” how pants such as these are sold. Nor does she/he understand the importance of the smiley face, without which, apparently, one would not be able to type in the proper code number.

Hmmm. Maybe I should just write the review here, since this person obviously doesn’t have a clue. 6 pockets . . . blah, blah . . . standard front pockets . . . etc, etc. . . . easy access if you’re wearing a coat . . .

Maybe a little personal information will liven up this review: I wear these pants on vacation! I load up the pockets with my wallet, maps, sunscreen, water bottle, camera, snacks, a small notebook for writing clothing reviews, souvenirs . . . the only problem is that when I drop my pants to “take a leak,” everything falls out.

Oh, wait! “Taking a leak” is a brilliant analogy of how this review “fires” but does NOT “aim.” HAHAHAHA!

Since men are the only ones who would ever appreciate pants with no zipper, I have to conclude that the “author” of this “review” is a woman. Figures. What do women know about pants? They should all be in the kitchen, wearing dresses and cooking our meals while we’re out hunting in our Cargo Comforters.
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Bought a Bumpits so you don’t have to =-.

Reply
Per V. Pocketpool says:

October 26, 2009 at 4:35 pm

These “sweat” pants would go great with my three wolf moon t-shirt!! Watch out, ladies! Rowr.

Reply
Per V. Pocketpool says:

October 26, 2009 at 10:35 am

These “sweat” pants would go great with my three wolf moon t-shirt!! Watch out, ladies! Rowr.

Reply
Guest7 says:

June 6, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I see nothing wrong with this advertisement. This company is trying to sell a pair of cargo sweatpants.. and thats what they did! There are no euphamisms involved, just a simple sales techinique. If you care to argue, then you can speak with the thousands of people who bought these pants. Haband, a company that has been around for over a hundred years, knows what their customers like and look for in their products.

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