Photo credit ©iStockphoto.com/Amanda Rohde
Today’s column is brought to you by Yellowtail Shiraz and Ani DiFranco “To the teeth”
Dear Auntie Merlot:
What is the best strategy for dealing with sly bitches who like to poke and prod and then step away when you finally explode with that butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth look? Is violence the answer? I know they say it never is, but surely every once in a while it has to be, right?
Signed Imminently Imploding Ida
Darling,
Plotting violence is always satisfying, but actually engaging in acts of it is even moreso. However, because there are killjoy laws around the whole thing, it’s much better to twist the knife metaphorically. Channel Joan Collins. Put on your best shoulder pads, big hair and red lipstick, secure a sardonic sneer on your face and say, “So glad to see you got your teeth fixed, if not your tongue.”
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. This is especially true of pens that are weigh five pounds, are made of steel and are razor sharp. I suggest the following letter:
Dearest Sarah Palin [note: just a guess]
I see that, as usual, your inability to fully articulate a coherent argument means that you must rely on snide, unsupported innuendos. Pity that. I would expect more from someone who has attended so many junior colleges. I understand that mealy-mouthed passive aggressiveness passes for discussion in some circles-though those same circles would have some difficulty saying as much, what with the rampant monosyllabic grunts that pass as communication-but in these parts, we prefer something with a bit more substance. Work on that, would you? Perhaps then we might be able to address the issues, rather than your vacuous, transparent, mutton-headed attempts to draw me into a stupid-off.
Condescendingly yours,
Auntie Merlot
If you are in need of a person with a good vocabulary and no inhibitions to compose your more complicated correspondence, please contact Auntie Merlot via the Contact Us! form located at the top right of this site.
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“I would expect more from someone who has attended so many junior colleges.”
Snicker. Snort. Splort.
Liberal Elitist!
I bet that wine came from a bottle!
In fact, it did! Nor did I chip my teeth opening it. It was lovely, too. It would go rather well with whatever caused that yellow stain on your greyish wifebeater, darling. Curry, I gather? No? Tobaccy, you say?
My mistake. Stick with Pabst, Joseph. It goes best with moose jerkey.
Tracy, darling, how on earth do I rid myself of the, er, whatsit in my avatar?
You could get a proper Gravatar!
These are for the celebration of the wacky Halloween season! I shall be tired of them probably in a few hours or so and only display the gravatars of people who have them.
Ah, wacky Halloween season.
When I was a regular columnist for the newspaper, I would try valiantly to get letters to the editor. I wrote a few controversial articles mixed up with the funny, personal, quirky stuff. But it was the article I wrote saying that I held no fondness for Halloweeen that generated hate mail. Someone even sent me a plastic spider. I hit it with a hammer until it was a molecule thick.
/tales from the columnists desk.
Oh, and now I’m drinking Banrock Station shiraz. If anyone cares.
You spoke to Sarah Palin!
I find a sardonic sneer improves he quality of most conversations.
The shoulder pads…not so much.
…and, I am still Medusa on crack.
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