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Today’s column is brought to you by Yellowtail Shiraz and Ani DiFranco “To the teeth”
Dear Auntie Merlot:
What is the best strategy for dealing with sly bitches who like to poke and prod and then step away when you finally explode with that butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth look? Is violence the answer? I know they say it never is, but surely every once in a while it has to be, right?
Signed Imminently Imploding Ida
Darling,
Plotting violence is always satisfying, but actually engaging in acts of it is even moreso. However, because there are killjoy laws around the whole thing, it’s much better to twist the knife metaphorically. Channel Joan Collins. Put on your best shoulder pads, big hair and red lipstick, secure a sardonic sneer on your face and say, “So glad to see you got your teeth fixed, if not your tongue.”
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. This is especially true of pens that are weigh five pounds, are made of steel and are razor sharp. I suggest the following letter:
Dearest Sarah Palin [note: just a guess]
I see that, as usual, your inability to fully articulate a coherent argument means that you must rely on snide, unsupported innuendos. Pity that. I would expect more from someone who has attended so many junior colleges. I understand that mealy-mouthed passive aggressiveness passes for discussion in some circles-though those same circles would have some difficulty saying as much, what with the rampant monosyllabic grunts that pass as communication-but in these parts, we prefer something with a bit more substance. Work on that, would you? Perhaps then we might be able to address the issues, rather than your vacuous, transparent, mutton-headed attempts to draw me into a stupid-off.
Condescendingly yours,
Auntie Merlot
If you are in need of a person with a good vocabulary and no inhibitions to compose your more complicated correspondence, please contact Auntie Merlot via the Contact Us! form located at the top right of this site.
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