The Paranoid Mom Reviews New Products: The Slanket

The Slanket® from TheSlanket.com, $44.95 as shown plus tax and shipping. Oh boy, where do I start with this one? I can’t believe the Consumer Product Safety Commission allows this product on the shelves! Do they not love Joe and Josephine Six Pack?

Let’s start with the obvious, it’s a fire hazard! I think it goes without saying that anyone who would buy such a product would be obsessively fond of the Yankee Candles. Reach for the remote and WHOOOSH! you’re up in flames.

Ah, but wait you say, perhaps it is made of the flame retardant fabric to which I say “Pah!” How do they make fabric flame retardant? I do not know and I do not want to know but I’m sure it involves foul substances like BPA and whale placenta.

It seems that a major stated “benefit” of a blanket with sleeves is that you can eat while wearing it. Let me repeat, people EAT while WEARING a SLANKET®. I hope it is only dry foods like popcorn and chips, although can you imagine the crumbs and the bits and the particles scattered both within and without on the Slanket®? And what if somebody were trying to eat something like nachos or hummus? Heaven forfend that somebody should actually attempt to cook wearing a Slanket® – not only is it not safe, it gives me the heebie jeebies equal to thinking about people cooking naked.

I’m not going to talk about the soul-destroying slothfulness implied by eating wrapped in a blanket as I’ve been told people are not fond of my “moralizing”. Let’s just say that it is good for your soul to be cold while you eat. See, America, I can be positive.

It is actually good for your soul and your body to be cold, period. When you encase your body in something like a Slanket®, particularly something made of non-breathing artificial fibers, no matter how “micro”, you create the equivalent of Hedonism II for germs, bacterias and mites of all sort. When you’re cold, the germs are cold and are too busy trying to keep warm to breed and colonize. Also, exposing your skin to fresh air creates what I call “clean currents” that many of the hardier germs take advantage of to fly off to more hospitable pastures. A hidden advantage to being cold is that it makes you shiver, which is a like a mini-workout for all your muscle groups. Why spend thousands on exercise equipment when you can take advantage of God’s Bowflex, aka winter.

Finally, I’ll conclude with a no brainer, there is a very real chance that you’ll be mistaken for a member of a cult of some sort if seen wearing a blanket with sleeves. Should people judge you like that? No, of course not. But will they? You bet your bippy, missy. When people see you, you want their first impression to be of strength and confidence, not that you’re waiting for a giant egg to take you back to Ork.

And please, if I haven’t convinced you that the Slanket® is dangerous to you, body and soul, whatever you do, please don’t get the Snuggie®. You get that, the next step is ordering elastic waisted pants from the back of the weekly coupon flier. Don’t look at me like that, I know what I’m talking about.

Tagged as: new products, slankets, snuggies