The Slanket® from TheSlanket.com, $44.95 as shown plus tax and shipping. Oh boy, where do I start with this one? I can’t believe the Consumer Product Safety Commission allows this product on the shelves! Do they not love Joe and Josephine Six Pack?
Let’s start with the obvious, it’s a fire hazard! I think it goes without saying that anyone who would buy such a product would be obsessively fond of the Yankee Candles. Reach for the remote and WHOOOSH! you’re up in flames.
Ah, but wait you say, perhaps it is made of the flame retardant fabric to which I say “Pah!” How do they make fabric flame retardant? I do not know and I do not want to know but I’m sure it involves foul substances like BPA and whale placenta.
It seems that a major stated “benefit” of a blanket with sleeves is that you can eat while wearing it. Let me repeat, people EAT while WEARING a SLANKET®. I hope it is only dry foods like popcorn and chips, although can you imagine the crumbs and the bits and the particles scattered both within and without on the Slanket®? And what if somebody were trying to eat something like nachos or hummus? Heaven forfend that somebody should actually attempt to cook wearing a Slanket® – not only is it not safe, it gives me the heebie jeebies equal to thinking about people cooking naked.
I’m not going to talk about the soul-destroying slothfulness implied by eating wrapped in a blanket as I’ve been told people are not fond of my “moralizing”. Let’s just say that it is good for your soul to be cold while you eat. See, America, I can be positive.
It is actually good for your soul and your body to be cold, period. When you encase your body in something like a Slanket®, particularly something made of non-breathing artificial fibers, no matter how “micro”, you create the equivalent of Hedonism II for germs, bacterias and mites of all sort. When you’re cold, the germs are cold and are too busy trying to keep warm to breed and colonize. Also, exposing your skin to fresh air creates what I call “clean currents” that many of the hardier germs take advantage of to fly off to more hospitable pastures. A hidden advantage to being cold is that it makes you shiver, which is a like a mini-workout for all your muscle groups. Why spend thousands on exercise equipment when you can take advantage of God’s Bowflex, aka winter.
Finally, I’ll conclude with a no brainer, there is a very real chance that you’ll be mistaken for a member of a cult of some sort if seen wearing a blanket with sleeves. Should people judge you like that? No, of course not. But will they? You bet your bippy, missy. When people see you, you want their first impression to be of strength and confidence, not that you’re waiting for a giant egg to take you back to Ork.
And please, if I haven’t convinced you that the Slanket® is dangerous to you, body and soul, whatever you do, please don’t get the Snuggie®. You get that, the next step is ordering elastic waisted pants from the back of the weekly coupon flier. Don’t look at me like that, I know what I’m talking about.
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I could use a Slanket right now, i’m freezing my arse off.
How does this differ from a bathrobe, bought five sizes too big?
OK. I am a purple Mr. Man character? How was the particular character selected as opposed to Katherine’s green one?
Hmmmm.
They are random little gravatars for people who don’t have their own. I need to decide on one for me!
Gravatar that is, it would seem that I am some sort of pink beige block.
My purple guy is cooler than your pink beige block. My guy has four eyes that are aligned vertically!
Ha! Now I am me!
I really do need to get a picture that
1. Looks like me
2. Is less than five years old
3. Is in focus
Otherwise people might start questioning my existence!
Nicholasmom is wearing a purple skanket!
Whoops, inadvertant typo but it stays.
We must call this abomination what it is—a fleecy muumuu. That is unsupportable in any sense. It is inane, nonsensical, completely useless and an affront to those who know right from wrong.
I bet it was the second choice for the McCain ticket. SNAP!
The skanket was the first choice for the McCain ticket. DOUBLE SNAP!
I’m helping Tracy with her research!
What’s your reason for having your brain on the outside of your body, Ming?
WOAH! Getta load of angry Mad Fab.
But dig the lipstick, which perfectly matches my blood-soaked claws. That’s accessorizing at its finest.
Lipstick on a lobster?
Nah. It’s a scorpio. You just can’t see the zinger. Er, stinger.
The guy in the Snuggie commercial — the first old man sitting in a chair — I swear I saw the same guy in the same outfit lastnight on an old episode of Star Trek, except he was standing in a badly-propped old-school Star Trek set versus a sound stage full of practical usables (assuming the tv really turns on).
Now presto — let me see what avatar I have.
Tee hee, I have a brain!
In the snuggie commercial they said “you can do what you need to” I’m afraid people might interpret that for using the bathroom. Many bad images come to mind there.
I need a Slanket! I don’t even care if I look like I’m considering the kool-aid.
Uh, what am I? An orange pig? Or is that a belly button? Or oddly shaped boob? And do I have 6 eyes? Why can’t I be a lipstick wearing crustacean?
It seems it would be impossible to nurse in this get-up. 10 points lost.
Since it starts in as a Zero, that gives it a rating of -10.
And, I really only commented to see what monster I get.
Hopefully not a blood soaked lipstick waering crusacean hussy.
I look like a cartoon of Heart Disease. Or Medusa on crack.
I’m kind of looking forward to the days when I can wear the elastic waisted pants and not be pregnant or potty training. Maternity pants were the bomb.
Tracy, do you not like me? I have TUSKS!!!
I need an inverse slanket so that I can stay cool. Would that be nudity? Glad I have reflective windows – on the outside, that is.
“not only is it not safe, it gives me the heebie jeebies equal to thinking about people cooking naked.”
LMAO your analogies are hilarious!
I have seen this advertised. I’d say the biggest reason not to get it is that it looks completely utterly ridiculous. Your correct someone would probably accuse you of coming from some satanic cult of something if they saw you wearing such a goofy looking item. ha ha ha. It’s really funny how ridiculous the people look in the commercial.
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Oh my goodness but you are a HOOT! I hope your cheek didn’t get bruised by having your tongue so firmly implanted in it.
Where do I go for submitting it to the funniest post o’ the week?
George
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Yeah, they are called fleece sweats and they work just fine.
The puffy terry robe is always a nice touch, too.
Wonder how one goes to the potty in the Slanket get up?
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@Gerald, thanks. I think the Snuggie people are counting on people buying them for Halloween costumes. People always like costumes they don’t have to wear a coat over.
@Tumblemoose, you’d have to build a time machine, I wrote this two months ago. I just dusted it off this week because all of a sudden everyone is talking about Slankets.
@Alisa, I wondered that myself, especially since my bathroom is the coldest room in the house. Ever since I was pregnant with my oldest and wore those maternity rompers that were popular at the time, I’ve been very careful to always make sure my garments will be easy to manage in the bathroom without having to worry about how to keep them out of the toilet.
Funny you bring this up now. Our temp apartment came with cable. And I’m being exposed to all sorts of commercials I’ve gone years without seeings . I just saw a snuggie comercial this morning and I was cracking up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_8oNO8WCIg&feature=related
I really don’t have any words to make it more ridiculous than it already is.