by Two Hands and A Roadmap
Why do I get all the crap jobs?
While Tracy’s off enjoying her children and packing for the new house, Kiki and I offered to cover the Front Page for her. Neither one of us is what you’d call “nice,” so this is a stretch to begin with, but would you believe my job today is to interview Kiki McPerfect?! Brother.
We met at a Waffle House. Believe it or not, this was Kiki’s suggestion. Something about wanting me to “feel right at home.” (And I do believe she’s loosening up a little; after asking her assistant to wrap the both in just three layers of antibacterial plastic, she sat right down.)
Two Hands: Let’s get this over with. I have a few questions that I think might interest your fans. Feel free to speak briefly and not too loudly. I have a lot of friends at the Waffle House and I don’t want you to ruin my reputation. Let’s start with your son, Tip, who has inspired a few of your most infamous stories. How did you come up with that name?
Kiki: Actually, we didn’t choose this name; our ob/gyn did! As soon as Tip was delivered, Mr. McPerfect began to dictate his stats to our Child Assessor, who would then enter the information into his laptop’s special child acheivement assessing software. Our C.A. would then read back the information to us as it was processed. For example, Tip’s Apgar was 10.897, which the software translated as “Nobel Prize-Winning Rocket Scientist Olympian”! The assisting doctor and our ob/gyn were listening to all of this, and the following conversation ensued (thank you Delivery Room Dictation Supervisor!):
Assisting: “Are these people for real?”
Ob/Gyn: “Oooooh yeah, trust me, this is just the TIP of the iceberg!”
Hence, the name!
Two Hands: Wow, it really freaks me out when you go that long without blinking. Anyway, does the McPerfect family have any pets?
Kiki: No, we most certainly do NOT! Pets are ANIMALS. As such, they are uncivilized and do not wear underwear, both of which automatically disqualify them from living under our roof. Or rooves, I should say.
Ironically, I do have many pet peeves. Even more ironically, my list of pet peeves includes people who have pets!
Two Hands: I definitely don’t want you to encourage you talk about your pet peeves, so let’s move on. How do you feel about nursing in public?
Kiki: I am a big proponent of nursing in public! If a person is hurt, and a nurse happens upon the scene, she ought to tend to him or her. Discreetly, of course, and preferrably with some sort of a curtain around her so the rest of civilized society does not have to witness any sort of bodily fluid leakage. (This is why I ALWAYS carry my designer nursing cover with me, although I was surprised to happen upon it at a maternity boutique – upscale, of course!)
Two Hands: Interesting. Have you ever done any shopping at Aldi?
Kiki: No, but as you know, I have sent the car to pick you up there many times when you have been too “incapacitated” to drive yourself home! I wish they would stop selling you the Mad Dog at that ramshackle bar next door. While we’re on the subject Two Hands, no more cheese curls in the back seat, and I assure you that our driver does not think he is “better than you,” so no more needling of the help.
Two Hands: For your information, it was Boone’s Farm. And you didn’t see the look he gave me. And along those same lines, when did you realize how much better you were than everyone else? Was it introduced in your Little Princess nursery school, or did the Angel Gabriel flitter his happy old ass down to earth to tell you personally?
Kiki: Very funny, Two Hands, very funny! Actually, mumsy began to instill in me an awareness of my own awesomeness when I was a toddler. She would have begun this process in the newborn phase I’m sure, except the nannies were ordered not to allow me into her presence until I had grown enough hair to form into a proper chignon.
Two Hands: I’ve never heard you talk about your mother before! What was she like?
Kiki: Oh, Mumsy? Mumsy is a paragon ofCONTROL FREAK!!!! Oh my, that just came out of nowhere! Let me try this again. Mumsy is absolutely my idol, and I look to her forSTOP HASSLING ME ABOUT MY CROQUET GAME!!
Oh my. My lips seem to have taken on a life of their own
Next question!
(uncomfortable silence)
(My buddy, Tiny, who works the grill, looks over to make sure I’m OK.)
Two Hands: Uh, if you were a pair of flip-flops, what color would you be?
(Thank goodnes, this question seemed to break Kiki out of her fog. I give Tiny the “I’ve got it” nod, and he goes back to the eggs.)
Kiki: If I were a pair of flip-flops, I would certainly recycle myself for the better of society and become something useful, such as a sponge used for cleaning an Italian marble kitchen countertop. The word “flipflop” causes me to briefly vomit in my mouth! “Flopping” is a word that conjures up the image of failure, or lying around, two things I have NEVER done! Also, flip-flops typically have something called a “thong,” which I find to be a very lewd reference.
In general, I do not shod myself in anything that is considered a “slip-on.” I believe that if you can not make the effort to fasten a strap or wedge your foot into half a size smaller, you are simply not determined enough. Of course, some people are completely unmotivated, and so I can understand their wearing such shoes. (Two Hands, I hope you like the clogs I sent you for your birthday!)
And with that, her driver came in and told Lady McPerfect that she was almost late for some “meeting.” Doesn’t think he’s better than me, my ass.
Just to recap
Tracy: New house
Kiki: Gets to eat and call that work
Me: Interview Miss Mayflower and have my footwear insulted
I can’t be the only one who sees the injustice.
TwoHands Andaroadmap and Kiki McPerfect are the only two writers Tracy could find that would work for free. One day she will learn her lesson about false economy.
Ooh Snap!
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey, Tracy, I got your false economy right here!
Kiki. you scare me.
Good job 2hands.
I think the questions were hard hitting and informative.
Very insightful!
It is almost like ‘ War of the Worlds’. You two should have your own sitcom.
I want to know what Kiki ordered at Waffle House.
I’m not sure who got the better of who in that interview. Now I want waffles.
Tough. Timely. Fresh.
mmmm, Waffle House. Watch out, Barbara Walters!
I think TwoHands should get a bonus for that interview. Well done!
SABE, I did order something: I ordered Two Hands to not tell mumsy I had ever been to “The Waffler’s House,” or whatever it was called!
Oh, was NOT supposed to tell your mother? Apparently I was confused.
Fail.
Well, I suppose I will now have to disclose to your neighborhood cronies that you once came to me for private chignon-forming lessons. I somehow doubt that that will sit well with the Coors-and-corndogs crowd!
Coors and corndogs?! It’s not Christmas Eve. ::rolleyes::