What the heck is up with Back To Basics?

I first became aware of the Back to Basics line of appliances in a Kohl’s advertising circular. I was going to rant about it, but my husband threw it away. I would have ranted about that but I’ve found that ranting about how one’s husband has a peculiar habit of tidying up the house doesn’t get me the sympathy I deserve.

It was this, the Back to Basics Smoothie Signature Smoothie Maker that caught my eye in the Kohl’s ad.

Not only is having a machine dedicated to making one drink (unless that drink is coffee) not basic, I’m not sure what it is hearkening back to. Did Almonzo and Pa relax with a nice frosty smoothie after spending a day baling hay in Little House on the Prairie? Did June add a loving scoop of whey protein to Wally and The Beav’s after school smoothies? No, back in the day, if you wanted a smoothie you drank some milk, ate some peaches and then jumped up and down.

Plus, as I might have mentioned, I used to be a waitress and let me tell you that dispensing nozzle is going to be a bitch to clean and probably harbor Listeria and Cytomegavirus and whatever else they are always finding on How Clean Is Your House.

There is also the Back to Basics Cocoa-Latte Hot Drink Maker.

Again, back to basics? Get a pot. Maybe a whisk.

Last, we have the Back to Basics Egg-and-Muffin 2-Slice Toaster and Egg Poacher

McDonald’s Drive-Thru, basic and keeps all those people you tell “Get a job! McDonalds is always hiring!” employed. I think I am going to write them and ask if I can toast regular bread with this, or do I need a separate attachment. I’ll let you know what they say.

Oh good grief, I was going to close on that, but I found they have the Back to Basics CC500 Coffee Solutions

Okay, it’s a coffee maker, that’s fine, but what is up with calling it a solution? I think I’ve made it very clear in past entries how I feel about people offering solutions to things that aren’t problems. This is what is wrong with America, we let our corporations talk to us like we’re in some sort of marketing meeting, with the weird buzzwords and catchphrases. I’m surprised this isn’t a new paradigm in personal beverage procurement.
Update: I heard back from Back to Basics:
Dear Tracy,

The toaster is designed so that you can make toast, toast and egg and egg only. This would include bagels.

Please let us know if you need any further assistance.

Thank You,

Sheryl
Customer Service

So, I guess it’s not so bad if I can make all sorts of bread products toasty, including bagels but what is up with “egg and egg only”? What would happen if I tried to make sausage in there? Or warmed up some syrup? I am going to have to find myself one of these egg n’ muffin makers and find out.

Oh! It would appear I misread – she was telling me I could make just the toast, just the egg, or both. If only my coffee solution had been stronger this morning, I would have understood that the first time.

Got an example of a product nobody needs? Talk about it in the IHMMB forums.