I have a cheeseburger

It’s in a can. Yes, I saw the infamous cheeseburger in a can, and I had to get one for myself. After making a few international phone calls, shipping costs and taking into account the weak dollar, it only cost me about twenty seven dollars. And it’s only been oh, two months since that last guy did it, so I don’t look like a dorky, late copycat, not at all. We won’t even talk about how I discovered today it’s been made into a lolcat.

The ingredients seemed to all be edible – except flour was disconcertingly spelled “our”. At least I hope that’s what is was meant to be, “swelling flour” is puzzling enough, “swelling our” doesn’t bear thinking about.

The cooking part was simple enough, ten minutes in a bain marie. How fancy! I used a pot of boiling water, which I think is pretty much the same thing.

Taking it out of the can, it looked kind of soggy and sticky but the smell wasn’t as bad as I expected. The inside was kind of yucky, it probably could have done with more cooking.

As you can see, it looked pretty grim, so I though maybe some spring mix and sliced onions would freshen it up a bit. And blood oranges, to prevent the scurvy.

My husband refused to cooperate on the grounds that this was stupid and I was only doing it to impress my message board friends, so there are no pictures of me taking a bite of my cheeseburger in a can with blood orange garnish, but here’s a picture of it with a bite taken out.

The worst part was the bread, it was sweet and soggy and chemically and I couldn’t bring myself to chew it. The spring mix was nice, but it wasn’t in the can so I can’t count it. The cheese tasted a lot like Kraft Old English Cheese Spread only more, I don’t know what you would call it, yeasty? Can I use chemically twice in one paragraph, because that’s what it was, artificially tangy, yeasty and chemically. The meat kind of tasted like those cheap beef jerky strips made of the chopped beef, with enhanced beef flavor agent, I can’t remark on the texture because by the time my teeth got down to that layer I was gagging and running to spit it out. I wasn’t lucky enough to get a pickle in my bite, that might have changed everything. To top it off, my blood orange palate cleanser/garnish was flavorless and dry.

My verdict is that this wasn’t nearly worth $27 and I now wish I had not bought four.

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Tagged as: blood orange garnish, cheeseburger in a can, old English cheese spread, swelling our